This post has been swirling around in my head for a few weeks now. Since I read this post, and was inspired. So brave.
Then Monday, I was reading through my blog reader and came across this post by one of my faves. Again, the bravery it takes to be vulnerable enough to share what's on your heart is inspiring.
These posts, they led me down my own thoughts. Often times, I think we're afraid to say what we really think and feel out of fear.
How will people react to them?
What will they say?
Will they look at me differently now?
Will they judge me?
Will they judge me?
But sometimes, for me I think I'm afraid to say things out loud because the reality is then that makes them all the more true. If I say them out loud, if I tell you then I really have to come to terms with these thoughts and feelings instead of just always keeping them to myself.
At the same time I think there's bravery and freedom that can come from letting these thoughts out and sharing them.
So here goes, some things I'm afraid to tell you........
1. Lately I've been checking my blog stats a lot! For the past year I'd say I've become mildly obsessed with it. At first it was to try and understand Google Analytics, SEO and all that other garb better, but then it became every day. Trying to figure it out, see who was searching, what they were reading, etc. And to be quite truthful it's been driving me crazy the last few weeks. What blogger doesn't want their blog to grow right? Ever since coming back from SNAP!, I've been really feeling like I need to take a step back, remember why I started blogging in the first place, and not be so focused on the numbers, and my traffic. I never paid much attention to it before, so why was I now? Especially since all it was doing was driving me crazy. Here's the conclusion I've come to in the last few weeks; different blogs grow at different paces for various reasons. If I'm doing what I love, sharing and writing what I love the rest will come and fall into place. So here's to stop being obsessed with checking my stats, and worrying about blog growth. That's not to say I don't care, I do. But, I need to find a better priority in all of it, and I think I'm finally finding that.
2. This is not a craft blog. I'm a creative person, I have more ideas sometimes that I know what to do with. I love creating, and making things lovely. Some days I'm creating projects and other days I'm not. This blog will never solely be a craft/project blog. That's not my life, and that's not what I will share here in this space. I love the creative community but I don't believe that I have to be solely a craft blog in order to be successful in this world.
3. For me, I don't feel like I can't be the mother I want to be or need to be for my family and work full time. I've been working full time outside the home for almost two years now, and constantly it's an on going struggle to find the time to do everything. There are moments that I have missed out on due to working full time that make me truly sad, they grieve my heart. They are the breeding grounds for all sorts of motherhood guilt. To truly be the mother and wife that I know I want and need to be this lifestyle will change.
All that being said this brings me to the last thing I'm afraid to tell you.....
4. I don't like my day job. I love the people I work with, they are the sweetest. But I truly don't love my job, truthfully I sit bored half the time and my mind races and wonders what more productive things I could be doing at home, or with my child. I think most people get the impression that I work because I want to, but the truth is I work because at the time I had to. I had to make a choice and a sacrifice for my family. Not really knowing at the time the other things I would sacrifice in the long run.
Whew! I feel better.
What things are you afraid to speak out loud that have been on your heart?
Lovely written post! I really adore you for being so honest about your feelings. You are brave to share the true promptings of your heart! I have been a stay-at-home mom ever since I was pregnant with my son ( he is 2-1/2 now) but there are days when I get absolutely nothing done either because we are having too much fun playing dinosaurs or going to the park, or whatever! ;) I say that you should be wherever your heart is, as long as you can live on one income. I am so lucky to be home with my son every day, I wouldn't trade it for anything! :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad I inspired you to write a "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You." I'm not a mom, nor plan to be. But my heart goes out to you on your struggle to work and be there for your little girl. I can't even imagine. I truly hope you find some peace and a solution. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI think it's great that you were able to share this, sometimes the things that trouble us most are the hardest things to share with others. It's also amazing to find how many people can relate to personal situations. I have a hard time sharing anything personal on my blog because I wonder, how will people react or will they even care when I know that there are people who do care.
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to struggle with wanting to be somewhere else while working at a job you don't care for. Maybe you can sit down with your hubby and maybe create a plan where you can eventually be doing what you love whether its being at home and not working or maybe working from home. I literally had panic attacks when I stopped working outside of the home and we had to live extremely cheaply but it was what was best for everyone in our family. Good luck to you and many hugs :)
I so understand where you are coming from. I too am a working mom and it eats at me. I hate missing that time away from my daughter. Feeling this way doesn't mean I don't like my job, I really enjoy it, but my heart desires to be with my daughter. It is also one of the reasons we are not trying for #2. I can't imagine dividing my time more than I already am.
ReplyDeleteI think there are working moms who are better moms because they work and they desire to. I don't feel that way and don't think many people understand how agonizing it is to leave her every day.
I wish I had the answer for us other than to say I pray that our situation will change. It was also recommended to me to read, Staying Home Instead for ideas on how to make the transition to staying home.
Hugs